Section 1: News for Guns
U.S., Chinese, Russian Troops Play Musical Chairs
The U.S., which strongly objects to Russia’s military support of the Syrian government, is sending 13,500 troops to Kuwait, according to a recently released congressional report. The U.S also has troops in Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Oman and the U.A.E., because, as the report states, “Home to more than ½ of the world’s oil reserves and 1/3 of its natural gas, the stability of the Persian gulf is critical to the global [translation: American] economy.”
When asked why the U.S. supports regimes in Bahrain, Qatar, and Saudi Arabia despite their dismal human rights records, a state department spokesperson replied, “We hoped by keeping the focus on Russia and Syria we wouldn’t have to answer that. And for the most part, the American media seems willing to cooperate – except for those renegades over at Yahoo.”
Meanwhile, China, having not seen the sun for years because of pollution from outdated coal-fired power plants working overtime to fuel their growing economy, is reportedly sending 50,000 troops to the U.S. to protect its pristine solar reserves. A Chinese official explained, “Because of their strict emissions standards, the Americans have abundant sunlight. Well, so do the Europeans, but we would have to buy them, too.”
U.S. Sells Weapons to U.S. Military
Two democratic congressmen recently opposed the sale of military parts and equipment to Bahrain. The state department went ahead anyway; claiming it was for “Bahrain’s ‘external’ defense (?!) and the U.S. 5th fleet,” stationed there.
Section 2: Arts & Crafts
The increasingly superfluous Florida Senator Marco Rubio announced today that he would have come here illegally if his family was living in desperation elsewhere. Rubio continued, “Luckily, I never had to resort to that. Being Republican, I got a hook-up!”
Gingrich Advises Romney on Losing
Third place Republican presidential primary finisher, Newt Gingrich is offering general election advice to Mitt Romney. Gingrich also reported in a recent interview that he urged both his supporters to vote for the Republican nominee.
Romney Depresses Rust Belt
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney toured crucial Midwestern swing states today – the ones with the lowest unemployment rates in the country – to tell them how bad they really have it. Next, Romney travels to Colorado to call it flat.
McConnell Mad at Self
Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell appeared on the CBS Morning Show today to complain about the gridlock in Washington — that he caused by declaring on his first day as leader that his number one priority was preventing President Obama’s reelection. McConnell urged, “If we’re ever going to get anything done, someone has to do something about me!”
Reported by: Evan More 6/19/12